Dear {Name},
It is difficult to apologize for something you don't remember, but I'm going to give it a shot.
Firstly, thank you for inviting me to your {event} for what I can only assume will be the last time ever. The venue was beautifully decorated. I apologize if I {broke/vandalized/licked/ate/vomited on} any part of them. I would like to offer you compensation, but I seem to have misplaced all of my personal belongings including my wallet, phone, keys, and several back molar fillings.
I would also like to compliment you on your wide assortment of alcoholic beverages. I don't think I tasted the liquor after the fifth Martini.
Your {husband/wife} was a delightful {host/hostess}. I think it's entirely possible that I said something uncouth that should have been left unsaid, however, because I woke up this morning with {a slapped cheek/shame and recrimination/their number on a napkin.}
If I could change the past I imagine I would want to unsay the things I said, unbreak the things I broke, keep all of my clothes on and restrain myself from French-kissing that ice sculpture. Alas, hindsight is 20/20, especially with beer goggles on. Once again, I apologize for my behavior. It was unforgivable.
I think.
Awkwardly yours,
{Your Name}
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